Hårdknude

I couldn't sleep tonight. So I took my duvet and went up on the roof. I didn't do anything, I just sat there, only wearing panties. I had my duvet, but I was still shivering. At the end, it got so cold that it felt like my skin was burning.

I needed to talk to someone. But at the same time, I didn't feel like talking or being with someone. I'd rather be alone than pretend I'm alright. At least for now. Pretending to be alright all the time, is taking a toll on me.

I went out shopping with a friend a few days ago. She talked about her boyfriend and the Philippines, and I smiled, laughed and made sure to say all the right things. But every time I saw a bus, I felt like walking in front of it. I don't want to make a scene or anything, I just get this urge sometimes. Pretty often. All the time.

I don't want anyone to get upset, I just don't really feel it anymore. When I see a knife, I feel like cutting - although cutting yourself with a knife is harder than doing it with broken glass or a razor blade. And when I walk across a street, I secretly wish getting hit by a car or a bus, etc. There are no crazy or wild thoughts behind it, it's all quite dispassionate. I'm just not feeling it. I chose to live, a long time ago, but living doesn't feel right. I can't really explain it, but it just feels wrong, somehow. I don't really believe in the future, I suppose. I'm stuck in the past.


I feel disconnected. And hungry.