Monday, May 14, 2012


So. I went to Thailand. You know, trying to solve this and that. I had so many plans and there was so much I wanted to do. But oh well, life sucks after all. I ended up doing a lot of stupid things, like getting involved in things I shouldn't have been involved in to begin with. 

But the thing is, I learned a lesson. I'm 20 years old after all (so I think). I suppose the reason why I've always gone back to my mother, is because it was convenient. I mean, not literally going back, but going back as in I acknowledged her dominance over me and whenever I said things like "fuck you blabla I've had enough", she always knew that I would return sooner or later, because well.. A miserable but good materialistic wise life is better than just a miserable life. 

Or, that's what I assumed. Anyhow. I finally sucked up, stop whining (sort of) and went my own way. Sure. I can't afford this or that anymore, but life is okay. I still haven't figured out whether I'm going to end up interning for Bangkok Post, studying at Chula or Thamma or whatever, but oh well. I'm still young. I have plenty of time to figure out what I want to do. 

But before I end up studying again (still taking the Danish e-courses in case I end up deciding that I want to study at KU, but meh - that doesn't count) or whatever I'm gonna end up doing, I need to fucking sort out myself. I know I'm capable of this and that and I'm relatively intelligent for a 20 year old, but man. I am messed up. Low self esteem, suicidal, blabla, all that. I know - I'm not the only one in the world waking up feeling shitty all day long. This is not something special or anything, but you know, I sort of want to be.. Happy? Or just content. I guess I'll go with content to begin with. I can always take it further from there.  

But yeah. Before I begin on this or that, I need to start waking up happy and stop thinking about various ways to commit suicide and whatnot. Hmm. I suppose it's been an okay day today. Beautiful weather + not so many "what if I jumped out in front that bus over there - will someone miss me?" thoughts as usual. Hmm. It's getting cold. But I've just made myself a humongous cup of warm ginger tea. So it's okay. 

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