blæste tanker.

So. I used to date this guy once. Things didn't work out and I broke up. His reaction? He punched me repeatedly in the face. I didn't say anything, I just took my cameras and left his flat. I didn't bother wiping the blood off my face, I didn't bother feeling sad or angry either, I just wanted to go home. 

Even though it was crowded as fuck in the train, no one sat next to me. Like, people came over, stared at my face, then they decided they would rather stand up. I suppose I didn't care. I just clutched my cameras close to me. 

I didn't react back then, and I haven't really reacted until now. I'm not angry, mad or anything, just.. Disappointed. Over myself. I didn't care enough about myself to even react. I just stood there, while he punched me. I didn't even cry or say anything, I just stood there, staring at him. Oh well, slow Asian is slow. I need to do something about my reaction mechanism. 

Meh. I am tired and hungover. And now it's time to go out again. I am hungry, but I don't feel like eating. Like, I had a steak yesterday. I've only had coffee for the last two days and suddenly I just got hungry. Really fucking hungry. So I cooked a steak and ate it while I sat on the floor, listening to Slayer. Pearl was there too. She sat on a chair, talking with her mom on the phone while looking at me eating the steak. All I heard was "wuh wuh.. Aphinya-ah. No ma', not today.. Wuh wuh". Huh. Shanghai-English.

Then Pearl and I went out to grab a few drinks. A guy at the bar made the "come here" nod to me and blinked, multiple times. I asked him if he wanted to fuck me or what. Awkward silence. The guy looked down. Pathetic. Pearl laughed, and then I laughed. I suppose it was all somehow rather absurd.

I've reached the point where I don't care about anything at all anymore, I just want to fuck things up, you know? I mean, to see if I can still feel something real, something else than just disappointment. 

Yesterday, an elderly woman approached me on the street. She was from some church. She said I looked rather sad, and asked if I needed to talk to someone. I gave her my "thanks, but no thank you" smile and turned around - but then I noticed she had coffee. I fucking love coffee. So I stayed for a minute or two. She talked about Jesus. I said I had licked a girls pussy earlier. I don't know why I said it, I mean, it's not like it was any of her business. But I suppose I just wanted to shock her. The coffee was good though. Amen. 

Oh, I'm so tired right now. Cocktails at Jonathan's place. But I don't feel like going, I just want to stay inside, lie on my bed and listen to music.

Anyway. I saw Michael not so long time ago, when I went out to get coffee. I wanted to say hi. But I guess that would have been rather meaningless, so I walked away. 

I miss my family. It's hard, being thousands and thousands miles away from them. I wish I could hug my grandparents and tell them how much I miss them. Thailand, I miss you.