Melancholia.

I'm in love with this song. It makes me yearn for something good - which does not and probably cannot exist.

I miss my family in Thailand. I feel pretty lonely right now. I guess I've felt lonely since my mom came back to the village and told me that everything was going to change. I thought it was a bit strange, because I didn't know her. She had been gone for so long that I just couldn't remember her face. Hah, I actually thought that my grandparents were my real parents. 

Whenever my grandparents didn't have time to look after me, I used to hang out with Mawa, another girl from the village who was a few years older than me. Everything was good back then. I liked growing up on the countryside, surrounded by rice paddies, tiny huts, mountains, waterfalls and the sound of wild animals. 

But then I ended up in Denmark. I was used to waking up early, to help my grandparents with something early morning or keeping my great grandma company when she took our water buffaloes down to grass, a bit outside the village. I didn't really mind not going to school. I liked being with my family. Everything changed when my mom came back though. For better and worse.

Suddenly we weren't poor anymore. We didn't have to worry about anything at all.  I was a little kid back then, but I remember my grandpa crying when my mom came back. Both he and my grandma cried while they hugged me and told me that everything was going to change, that our ancestors had listened to their prayers and that I had a bright future in front of me. No more starving, no more poverty, no more bleak futures. 

But as I mentioned earlier, I've pretty much felt lonely since I came to Denmark. Don't get me wrong, I like Denmark. But growing up feeling like an outsider wasn't fun. I love my multicultural background, but sometimes it's hard, not really feeling at home anywhere, knowing that for some, I'm too Western and for others I'm too Thai. And for the Thais, I'm too Isaan. I guess this is why I move around a lot. Because I'm yearning to feel at home somewhere.

Besides, growing up with a mentally mom wasn't that easy. Again, don't get me wrong - I love my mom and I think she is a pretty damn strong woman. Her story is definitely a rags to riches story. I mean, she started with nothing at all. She had to drop out of  3rd grade, in order to help her grandma support my moms two younger sisters. 

When my mom was 15, she and my two aunts (13 and 11 years old back then), moved to Bangkok to work in a factory.. Going from that to be able to spontaneously buy me an apartment in Bangkok as a gift, pretty much owing the entire village and multiple beach houses here and there and going from a 3rd grade drop out to being a boss in a huge company in Denmark? If that isn't a rags to riches story, then I sure don't know what it is. I mean. Jesus Christ. I'm not even 20 yet and I already own a shit load of property in Thailand, thanks to my mom. It feels crazy. 

But I don't consider myself for being spoiled. Because I remember the harsh times, and I'm grateful for what she has done for me and our family. But a the same time, it's what broke her down. She's worked so hard her entire life and she's gone through so much, that she's basically a robot now. She works, works and work. And sometimes, she breaks down. And when she does, it get's nasty. Like really nasty and fucked. So fucked that I haven't been living with my parents since I was 12. But our relationship is going goodio right now. I guess that's because I'm older now and can see the situation from her perspective. 

Anyway. I guess someone would say that home is where the heart is. But what if you can't feel a thing? I feel so numb for the moment. Sometimes I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling is real. I mean, I think I know what a certain thing is supposed to feel like, but I'm honestly not sure. 

I just don't really have feelings, I guess. I just don't care about much. But I'm so desperate to feel just a bit, that I either fake my feelings or do something completely crazy, just to feel a bit alive. Sometimes I fake it so much that I actually believe that a particular feeling about something/someone is real, even though it's not. 

I wonder what my life would have looked like, if my mom hadn't met Lars. We would probably still have been poor as fuck, but maybe I wouldn't have felt so lonely, numb and gloomy. I don't know how to explain it, but it just feels like there is something missing inside of me, some kind of a 'oh happy day'' mechanism.

But oh well, I'll be fine. I actually had a pretty rad day today because of Iben. Here's a few photos from my day with Iben:

And back then: 

Me and my cousin, Dawan. I still consider her to be my tiny little baby cousin, although she's 15-16 years old now, waaay taller than me and already have a boyfriend.. Urgh.