Haven't really slept the last couple of days. The border between reality and fantasy seems to become increasingly blurred. Went to the darkroom. Someone had turned on the light. Thanks for ruining my latest photos. I wanted to scream and fucking bang my head against the wall.
Instead I went back. Anna was there. We shared a bottle of whiskey, while she talked about all the guys she had fucked since new years eve. I sat in front of the mirror meanwhile, smearing red lipstick on. I wanted to fucking stab myself in the face with the lipstick. If just it was a knife. I hate mirrors, but at the same time I can't walk past one without glaring at myself. Sigh.
Great. Michael just contacted me. I don't want this to happen. I wish he could realize that I'm no good and stay away. I want to call him and tell him that I'm sorry and whatnot, but oh well. This is for the greater good. Sigh. The cutest guy of Hunter freaking college. I'm sorry for being a bitch, but he'll thank me one day, for not dragging him with me down.
.. Some woman just approached me in the local grocery store. She asked me if I liked apples. Didn't say anything. Just stared at her. I wanted to bitch slap her and throw her down some flight of stairs which lead into a big pit of fire. Dunno why. Just felt like it.
I get that urge sometimes. You know, flipping out in front of strangers, just to see how they react. To see if they actually give a fuck.
Ok. Ended up talking with Michael. Why does my heart feel so bad? I wish he was here right now. But I'm no good for him, so even though I want to be with him, I'm trying to keep my distance, because he's just.. Way too good for me. Besides, I like him too much. And I don't want that, because I like having my feelings under control.
Sigh. Why is he so stubborn? I wish he could realize that I'm no fucking good and move on. Open your eyes, son. Fuck. This fucking love story motherfucking sucks. I want a fucking happy ending, God. Give it to me you bastard. Ok ok, I know I'm being selfish. Letting Michael go is the best thing I can do for him - but it's hard. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
Hearing him say I'm beautiful and that he just wanna be around me, made my heart skip several beats. But then I realized he was high. Oh. Bummer. I'm his, and he doesn't even know it. And now it's all too fucked. Sometimes I wish he hadn't entered my life. I told him he was one of the best things that happened to me way back in fall. I wonder if he can remember that, or if he was too high. Huh.
Anyway. I'm tired. I don't really know what to do with myself right now. Ate ice cream with a friend a few hours ago. I can feel how I'm slowly starting to resent myself for every minute. Urgh. I wanna look like Isabelle Caro.
Ok. I'm hungry, but lazy as fuck. So I google pictures of food instead. Sigh. This is sad + I need a hug.
Dun dun dun. Some photos of my day with Ibbers, a long time ago. Or actually just 2 months ago, but I consider that to be a long time. Did I already upload these photos? I can't remember. God! I'm getting old.
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