Thursday, December 8, 2011


I'm lying in my bed. I've been doing that pretty much all day long. I wish I could close my eyes and fall asleep. All these thoughts I've kept under lock and key for so many years, are now running through my head. The room is all heated up, but I'm freezing badly right now. I'm shaking. Sometimes uncontrollable. What's bothering me, is that I can't seem to feel angry, hurt, sad or anything. 

I knew this guy once. I was 16 (maybe 17?), and he was in his mid 20's. It all started off normal. But after a bit, it got ugly. Cigarette burns on my inner thighs, bruises, punching, cutting. That was his thing. When I mean cutting, I don't mean scratching your partners back until a little blood comes out. I mean razor blade cuts.

I have scars on the side of my face, because he once hammered my face into a mirror while fucking me doggy style. But somehow, I just didn't mind. The scars are there, but most people don't notice them. Or maybe they do, but choose to ignore it. 

I felt so empty inside, that being hurt actually felt relieving. I wanted to feel alive so badly. I used to be frustrated before meeting him, because I just couldn't seem to feel anything at all. But when I met him, I slowly started feeling more and more alive. Every time he hurt me, I remembered that hey, I'm not invisible. I'm not a ghost. I'm alive, because I can feel this pain. 

But that was back then. Things haven't really changed, although I'm not a pain addict like I used to be. I guess I sort of opened up to someone. Which disgusted me. I'm not sure what happened or why I did it. But I'm my old self now. Comfortably numb. 

I've kept it under lock and key, because I know I'm supposed to feel hurt, humiliated, scared and whatnot. But I don't. Why do I feel so distant, out of place and indifferent, when I know I'm supposed  to feel human? But what does that even mean? And what makes actions right and wrong? How can we tell what is good and what is bad? This night is going to be long. 

I'm hungry. 

(╯°□°)╯┻━┻ (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ flipping tables.
┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ) putting back the table. 
ಥ⌣ಥ tears of joy. 

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