Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Made of concrete

I feel out of order and sort of invisible. Like I don't belong in this world. I smile and I laugh, but deep down, I guess I really don't care. I just do it, because it's a reflex. But when people are talking to me, it doesn't quite feel real. They're talking and talking, yet I don't seem to understand them. I just make sure to smile and nod, while I'm thinking of all kinds of other things. Like bear attacks. Random thoughts.

I mean. I can hear when people talk to me. Yet I don't understand what they say. All I hear is 'blablala... Blabla? Bla! .. Blaaaablablabla blaaaah''. Obscure flicking noises. 

Anyway, I'm not depressed, because being depressed would imply that someone has deeper feelings (otherwise someone who's depressed wouldn't get the ''my heart hurts'' feeling). So well. Not depressed. I just stopped giving a fuck, I guess.

For example. There's this one guy. I was so sure I liked him. But then I realized that I had fooled myself. I was so desperate to feel just a tiny bit of what being human is about, that I convinced myself that I actually did care, even though it was not the case.

Speaking of guys. My ex boyfriend called me. The one Helena set me up with on a blind date, not knowing we already knew each other too well. It's sort of odd. I know I was supposed to feel something when he called. Like.. Melancholia? Anger? I don't know, just something. But I couldn't feel anything but boredom, which sucked a bit. Did I really spend time being in a relationship with someone who doesn't wake up at least one tiny feeling inside of me, when I look back?

I honestly don't know why he called. It ended a long time ago. I can't even remember what he talked about. Only bits. He kept talking, not knowing I weren't even listening.

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