Friday, December 30, 2011

Lige meget

It's like I'm a ghost. Like I don't belong in this world. I've mentioned that at least one million times now, but oh well. That's how I feel. Or wait. Feel? I'm not even sure if I have any real feelings left at all.

Anyway.. Everything seems pretty meaningless for the moment. I honestly can't remember the last time I cared about anything (other than photography). I mean, I'm not depressed and I don't feel sad - I'm just indifferent all the time.

The only thing I cared about, was my negatives, photos and cameras. Photos I've been taking since I came to Denmark at the age of 5. But all that is pretty much gone now. All my photos of my great grandma and my family from my biological dad's side are gone. And it's not like I can fucking recreate them.

So well. It feels like I lost my last attachment to this freaking world. I cared very little before, and now I don't care at all. I mean, of course I like my friends - but it's like they're just background figures and not really that.. Real. If that makes sense.

I'm pretty much surrounded by people every day. I talk a lot, I laugh a lot, I smile a lot and whatnot. But sometimes when I look back, none of it feels real. It's like it all happened in a distant past.. Cos even though I laugh so much, I don't really mean it. It's just my way of pretending that I do care, I suppose.

Sometimes I wanna fuck up a lot of things real bad, just to see if I care and to see how people around me will react. Like, once I talked with some random woman on the street. She asked me about the metro schedules in downtown. Suddenly I got this urge to push her down some stairs, for no reason at all. Obviously I didn't do it, but I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to. Just to see if I have any feelings and moral left in me.

Anyway. I'm looking at some negatives right now. They're useless. But I can't make myself throw them out. Wtf is this. Am I becoming a fucking hoarder?

P.S. I'm supposed to be in Finland right now. But I can't find my passport. Sigh.

Double sigh. Satan, where are you? I need youuuu. Anyway "tiny Asian ass"? Hell naww. Dis' baby got back!

Btw. It's nice when dinner parties turn into mini concerts.

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